yes...those are jellyfishes bc they're cool Zilla. they also look like goombas....

Number8_Rehab1month

January 20, 2009 - 1212am

It’s been a whole month now.  What now?

Have i moved on? Am i ready to move on?  I don’t know how much my heart could erase.  It hurts knowing that someone loves you but at the same time does not want to take the risk.  I thought risk was a part of love!?  I’m still confused.

We’re  still friends.  We aim.  We talk ever so often.  Still left confused.

I see her this sunday.  Don’t have hope?  Don’t have expectations?  What could this all be?  Again, left confused.

What do i want?  What am i expecting?  Am i still hoping?  Have i lost hope?  What will make me happy?  One thing for sure, I’M NOT HAPPY!!  I’M CONFUSED!

Number7_RandomRanting

01/11/09 900pm

Just randomly writing.

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My name is Kiwhawhat and I’m an alcoholic.  Today, I really looked at myself and I don’t like what I’m seeing.  I see a gloomy, distressed, frustrated, indignant, damaging, and downbeat drunk.  What the fuck am I doing?  What the hell are you doing to yourself?  Don’t hold in the resent or bitterness.  You did your best; now let it all out.  Don’t hold in the sadness.  Let it all out.  Don’t let these emotions consume you.  ITS JUST NOT YOU!

Smile …remember to smile!

——-

Auntie cried today on the phone.  Who knew they loved you that much.  I didn’t.  To bad they had to find out the wrong way.  Poor Auntie, she blames herself.  There’s enough hurting and she doesn’t need that in her conscious.  I’ll take all the pain.

email to uncle after the conversation with auntie. “Sorry you had to find out that way.  I thought she told you both bc she posted the update.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I felt it would be wrong if it came from me.  Tell auntie to stop crying and to stop blaming herself.  I don’t want auntie to be hurting.  Thank you both for welcoming me not only into your home but into your family.  I have no regrets dating her, for i obtained many fond memories and experiences, a friend, an auntie, and an uncle. “

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Nana is pregnant.  Cool!  Finally some good news!  =)  (Zilla don’t say anything)  I get to be a uncle of a zetzer.  Ill that doesn’t sound cool anymore.

——-

AAAAGGHHHHH!!!!!  School will start soon!  AAAGGHHH!!!!  I need more time to get myself together.  AAAGGHHH!

Number6_AgoodRead_HappyNewYears

01/05/09 800pm

I wanted to share this.  It’s an article by Tom Asacker titled “Nine Predictions for 2009.”  I definitely needed this, and you might too.

Happy New Years!

———-

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ⎯ Viktor E. Frankl

The reality of the coming year is that the precipitous decline in the economy will create a collective pause; a “space” of epic proportions for organizations and individuals. Yes, it will be unpleasant for many. But it will also be an opportunity in disguise for those willing to seize the moment.

#1 The Earth will complete its 584 million mile, 67,000 mph trip around the Sun without incident

I know, that’s a pretty lame kick-off prediction. But think about those numbers for a minute. We’re all outgrowths of a living mass that is rocketing through space around an enormous ball of fire. Does that make any sense to you? Me either. So stop trying to figure it all out. Stop trying to protect yourself from an unknowable future and instead be a connected and passionate part of the here and now. “What is important in life is life, and not the result of life.”⎯ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

#2 Many things will change, but many people will not

Most of us will be doing, thinking and feeling more or less the same things this time next year as we are now. If you don’t want that sameness, grab yourself by the collar and yank yourself off of that comfortable, well-worn path and onto the one less traveled by you. Let go of your past and grab onto your future. Because while you’re waiting for that grand insight to point you in the right direction, the beauty of life is flying right on by. “Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.”⎯ Frank Herbert

#3 Most people will sit quietly in their seats and watch life unfold around them

A recent New Yorker magazine cartoon made it comically clear: There’s a lot that we all want to experience, but not much that we actually want to do. Most of us simply want to go along to get along and enjoy the ride. Well, the ride is slowing to a crawl. And when it starts back up, it’ll be a much different ride. What kind of ride? The best way to know that is to put yourself in charge of creating it. Grab the wheel and get moving. Let the pull of what excites you and what you care most deeply about be your guide. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” ⎯ Robert Frost

#4 A lot of people and businesses will fail

That’s the unfortunate nature of life. You try something, it doesn’t work. You try something different, it works. If it works big, people copy you (or steal it). You try something new, failure again. If you’re trying, if you’re living, you will fail. So what? I remember college friends years ago telling me that they could never “do what I do.” I didn’t know what that meant, so I asked. “You know,” one replied. “No security. Going out on your own.” “Security is an illusion,” I countered. “Everyone is ‘on his own.’ And for the record,” I added. “I could never do what you all are doing.” Live a life of no regrets. Seize this opportunity to learn and grow and experience, while everyone else snuggles deeper into their comfy routines. “He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great.” ⎯Herman Melville

#5 Many “friends” will be lost and many new ones made

Social networks are all the rage today: MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn, Twitter and Plaxo, as well as the many recurring real world gatherings. And indeed, they can be great ways to stay connected and to gain attention. But many of the people who have “friended” you through these groups did so for a reason; their reason. And once that reason goes away, so will they. Don’t sweat it. Keep connecting. Keep reaching out and sharing with people with similar interests and beliefs. But also, spend more slow and deep time with your family and your true friends; those who accept and care about the real you, not the social status you. “In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.”⎯ John Churton Collins

#6 The passionate will not only survive, they will thrive

What’s bugging you? Whatever it is, for your sake⎯and for those unwilling or unable to change⎯do something about it! That’s the key to growth and success. The inventor David Levy referred to it as the curse effect: “Whenever I hear someone curse, it’s a sign to invent something.” Well, perhaps that someone is you and that “cursing” is resonating between your ears. If so, don’t let it irritate you and drain your life and passion. Use it to fuel you and drive you forward. The future belongs to those unwilling to accept the stifling status quo; to those who stay puzzled, excited, frustrated and surprised. “Whenever anything is being accomplished, it is being done, I have learned, by a monomaniac with a mission.” ⎯ Peter Drucker

#7 Success will go to those with the best questions, not those with the cleverest answers

Do you know the definition of an expert? An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing? And a generalist? A generalist, like so many afflicted with digital A.D.D., is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. Successful people know that they’ll never know enough, especially about what really matters. So, they pay attention. They catch on and refocus rapidly. They never stop trying and learning. They’re driven by the questions, by their desire to understand and to change things. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”⎯ Mark Twain

#8 Execution is the new strategy

E.L. Doctorow wrote, “Planning to write is not writing.” Here’s the funny thing: Writing is not writing. It’s editing. You’re really not sure where you’re going until well after you’ve begun; until you’ve put pen to paper (or type to page). And then, the work unfolds in unpredictable and mysterious ways. Sure, vision and planning are important. But with the accelerating pace of change in today’s world, the important insights are more likely to come through doing and editing, than through speculating and strategizing. “Change will lead to insight far more often than insight will lead to change.”⎯ Milton H. Erickson

#9 Making a difference will trump making a buck

Walt Disney’s mantra was, “I don’t make movies to make money. I make money to make movies.” What about you? Why do you make money? Think really hard and long about that simple question. If you’ve been putting off being passionate about your work in order to make a lot of money, now may be the time for you to make a change. Why? Because the business of making money simply to make more money is quickly coming to an end. The future is not in making a buck; it’s in making a difference. “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”⎯ Winston Churchill

Number5_Rehab2weeks

01/03/09  800pm

Trying to start the New Years fresh by focusing on the present and the future has been much harder than expected.  No matter what I do something reminds me of her.

I’m not sure how much my heart can erase.  The more I try, the more difficult it gets.  Today, I spent the whole day cleaning my room, and it was finally that time to conceal those many memories and reminders of her.  As I placed those pictures, cards, and tangible items into a box, I couldn’t help but look through them.  I looked through the pictures and yes I did read the cards.  Why?  I don’t know why!  All those thoughts find their way back into my head leaving me confused, disoriented, lonely, gloomy, incomplete and brokenhearted.

Everyone seems to think I’m okay or I’m handling it well, but I’m parading a lie.  Yes, I’m trying to keep a smile.  Yes, I’m going out with everyone and embracing everyone into my life.  Yes, I’m trying to focus on enjoying life and moving on.  But look what’s happening ….. I’ve been drinking my sorrows and drinking to escape my thoughts.  I’ve been saying yes to everything leaving me going out every night.  What am I doing!?  I’m not being myself!  It’s not me!  I sit around at home, the car, and at work listening to emo songs, which I haven’t done for such a long time. I don’t go to bed thankful for everything anymore.   Now I find myself distressed, anxious, and lonely before sleeping.  I wake up every morning at 5am after dreaming about her.  What I once had has now become a dream.

The sadness is now manifesting into anger and bitterness.  I try to think positive for I’ve obtained shared memories, experiences, and a friend.  Still in the end, I’m angered probably due to the many unanswered questions.

Everyone is pushing me to move on, IT’S NOT THAT EASY!  This is really hard!  Right now…I’m just not happy…

The only thing that’s been really helping the last few days has been God.  Prayer and church has helped me to cope with these emotions, make me stronger, and to appreciate everyone around me.

Ranting:  I feel hopeless….I can’t do anything.  How do you fix it and makeup with the distance!?  AGGHHH!!!!!  These 2 weeks have felt so long.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MAN!!!

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Listening to - Brian Mcknight, “Still” and Commodores, “Oh No”

Number4_Farewell 2008

12/31/08, 355pm

——————

In response to PF blog

————————

Dearest 2008,

Goodbye 2008.  It’s been an extreme ride.  I will not forget the many enjoyable, unforgettable, and doting memories.  Yes, there were many good times, but also distressing ones, which have taught me lessons that I will treasure and draw on in my journey in life.  You’ve tested me with multiple struggles, fights, and encounters to test me, creating me into a stronger individual, a knowledgeable individual, a spiritual individual, a grateful individual, and importantly a growing individual.  I’ve experienced and obtained so much this year compared to any other year.  I could actually say to myself, “Romeo, you lived a life….still let’s make it better….live a bigger and better one.”

My journey/events/lessons in 2008:

  • Balancing my plate:  graduate school, work, a relationship, goals, family and friends
  • Diagnosis:  Stressurecrampollenstatitis
  • An unknown and unfamiliar sadness
  • Appreciating family and friends
  • Life is precious, sleeping on ER chairs are painful
  • Goodbye dork
  • Slow discovery of oneself
  • Coffee and hard seats
  • Everyone needs somebody
  • Old, present, and new friends

New Year’s Resolutions:

  • Live it up!
  • Meet everyone!
  • Less alchy.
  • Let’s get active.
  • Focus on myself!
  • Smile
  • Love life!

Farewell 2008 you will be missed.  Welcome 2009!  Give me a break please!!!  Please be full of great(er) memories and experiences.  I’m tired of being stressed and emotional.

I don’t want to be kiwhawhat!!

Number 3_RehabAweek

12/26/08 - 100am

It’s been 7 days.  Only one week?  It’s seems 5 times as longer!   I feel like I’m losing it!  Argh!

Romeo don’t let this happen.  Be strong, have faith, grasp to hope, don’t restrain, and smile it’s the end of another day.  You try to stay occupied, you keep focused, and for once be selfish.  It’s about you right now!  What do you want?

That’s the problem.

Number2_Rehab Day3 & OperationSantaClaus

These last few hours, days, and weeks have been a fanatical emotional rollercoaster ride that I wish to get off.

Today was different, for I had one moment where I wasn’t busy thinking about myself, but others.  Its moments like this we need in life to teach us, to allow us to grow as individuals, to be appreciative of things in life, and to learn more about oneself.  Yes the experience itself was sorrowful, but yet still uplifting and irreplaceable.

As I sat in the car driving, the following questions started recoiling in my head after the experience.  What happened with this family?  What’s going to happen with this family?  Are they going to be happy?  Why this family!?  Sitting there in my head I answered my own response “sometimes things happen unexpectedly, but it’s okay…it’s going to be okay.”  The more I thought about it, the idea of the family being okay seemed possible.  I had hope and faith they would, for they had support through us people that want to help, that want to make that small difference, and that do have faith everything will be alright.

Now that I contemplate on today’s experience, I realize part of the solution in escaping my emotional rollercoaster was just given to me.  No, this experience has not fully ejected me from my rollercoaster seat, but has helped me slowly loosen my safety bar.  Romeo, sometimes things happen unexpectedly, but it’s okay, bc it’s going to okay.  With faith and hope by your side everything will fall in place.  Be appreciative of what you’ve been given in life, the experiences, the family, friends, lessons, and etc.   (Hey, similar to what joy said.  Thanks joy!)    Romeo just have faith and hope that all these experiences, people, and lessons will lead to something, and it will, either that be self-fulfillment, happiness, or purpose.  Everything will be alright.

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Thanks Zilla and Joy for sharing such an experience.

Note to self:  Remember everything will be alright.

Number 1_Wow I'm bloggin

From time to time it’s good for one to express one’s true feelings, to talk in third person, to say what is needed to be said, to ramble impractical ideas and thoughts,  and to enjoy the dull pastime of writing.  This is my time.